When you flail about, frantically trying to lay waste to a big, black, hairy spider – one that somehow manages to escape your clutches of doom – do mind the hair. Even if there is no open flame, you just never know what might transpire. For instance, you could be sitting there, contemplating life’s quandaries, when you run your fingers through your hair – and get stuck. This, my friends, is never a good sign. It’s especially bad if there’s a solid substance. In your hair.
Granted, you may be a writer; still, you took a shower that very morning! So you sit there, pondering what hair product could have possibly gone so very, very wrong. You jump up to further investigate. That’s when you notice the spot on your shirt … wax, it would appear. You look down at the only candle lit that morning. How could it have lept up on your shirt and toward the back of your head? Did you hold the candle and spaz? Was there an earthquake? Were you abuducted by aliens and didn’t know it?
Only later … when you happen to notice the odd trail of drippings around the wax burner … will you put two-and-two together. If only you had wrangled that hair better. If only you would have paid closer attention, your hair would have never been tempted to take a nice dip in pool of wax. You could have saved your self mental anguish trying to figure it all out. You could have actually spent the hour doing something productive.
It’s a cautionary tale my friends, a cautionary tale. Do pay heed.
Helpful hint:If you happen to be on Skype, innocently chatting with your brother, sister-in-law, and wee nephew, when suddenly your computer monitor goes black – BLACK I tell you - not once, but several times in rapid succession, do not – I repeat – do NOT utter obscenities because, hello, it’s only your monitor. They can still hear you.
I have this thing … when I’m next to a little kid who is eating I have to say, “Mmmm, tasty!” It can’t be helped. Most of the time they just look as me as if to say, “I wonder what, exactly, is she smoking.” And still I say it. At a certain celebration, the birthday boy’s little brother was sitting next to me with his soda. Every time he took a drink he would smack his lips and then exhail loudly, Aaaaaah, so good. So I took a sip of my bottled water and said my usual: Mmmm, tasty. We went back and fourth three or four times before he stopped, gave me a good looking over and said, ”water is not tasty.” I told him it was tasty to me – to which he raised his eyebrows and turned away. Grownups, they know nothing!
Speaking of not tasty, I got my vegetarian cookbooks – just in case you were dying to know – and it SUCKED! Oh my word. Profuse apologies for the offensive word, but no other will do for such culinary disasters. It was weeds and tofu and any number of things I don’t even know, nor do I care too. The pages were a dirty brown and the photos - all thrown to the middle – were creepy. CREEPY I tell you! I snap better food photos – and if you’ve seen any of my food photos, you know that’s not saying much. Helpful hint: never buy a vegetarian cookbook on discount.
So, I’ve decided to stick with the internet. Here was my latest find: Honey-Soy Broiled Salmon. I served it with brown rice and these veggies.
Let’s all say it together: Mmmmm, tasty!
To all you single boys out there … a helpful hint:
If you happen to catch a glimpse of a woman – out minding her own business, washing her car – and you feel compelled to stop and strike up a conversation, do not - I repeat - DO NOT say anything to the effect of ”wanna wash mine next?” I know it will be tempting , but here’s the thing: you may think you’re being clever, but she’s heard it before – more than likely in the last twenty minutes. If you really want to impress her, say something like “I’ve got some bad-ass car-washing skills, interested in seeing them in action?” Girls like skills. And if you’re overly concerned that she might actually take you up on the offer, just keep on a goin’ … trust me … it’s for the best …
*Special thanks to Kern County Library, Taft Branch for granting permission to use the picture, above.
